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Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
11:38 am - Broken

I have no idea where to begin. I need to vent. It seems like I always need to vent. I'm tired of hearing myself talk. The longer I wait to fix things, the worse they become. I don't know what to do about anything. Once again, the desperation to get out of this house has grabbed hold of me. It won't let go. When I first came back, after the summer away, I had convinced myself that their problems were not problems. I no longer know if this is true. I've let my judgment become clouded once again. On the one hand, I just wanna say fuck it, move out and be done with it. On the other hand, there's this little voice inside my head (they tell me it's called my conscience) that keeps telling me to do otherwise; to do what I know is the right thing. I'm tired of feeling morally obligated. When something so blatantly wrong, so clearly criminal is happening right before your eyes, how long can you ignore it before doing the "right" thing. What is the "right" thing? Isn't it all relative? On top of that, I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I'm drowning and I've felt that way since he left. I mean I left..I should feel better. But he's still in my heart, and I can't get him out. Sometimes I wish I could swat him like a fly. It would be far easier. I try to freeze myself up, make myself cold and rigid so that no one can get inside. I trust very few people anymore and I think I only completely trust one. After your heart is broken, after your feelings are disregarded and you've been made to feel seemingly insignificant, it's only natural to close your heart up so that the same doesn't happen again. I don't have the same capacity to feel as I did before. I feel numb. I feel numb all the time. Situations in which I would once feel compassion and sympathy wash over me like they're nothing at all. I am a broken person. A broken soul. I don't know when (if) I'll ever be whole again. Was I ever?

current mood: numb

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Thursday, January 17th, 2008
6:13 pm - yay party tomorrow!

ok, that is all.

current mood: bouncy

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Saturday, January 5th, 2008
2:29 pm - the new year
drinking buddies of the year? 
drank a total of three times i believe....drinking with faya was fun. 

your song for 2007? 
jimmy eat world's 23 (even though it's from '05) 

lifetime service award (longest friend) 
movie group collectively...and jenn. 

newcomer award-coolest new friend? 

high point of the year? 
hmmm...being in boston maybe...

low point of the year? 
ending things with matt 564849449 times. 

movie for 2007? 
juno (technically i saw it '08, but it came out in '07 so it counts) and superbad

best holiday?

who did you spend valentine's day with? 

best relationship 
matt at the high/happy points of our "relationship" 

what were you for halloween? 
was gonna be tonks, but got sick and stayed home..m/b next year. 

restaurant of the year? 
hmm..don't know..went to a couple places in boston i really like...temple bar and cuchi cuchi (spelling it wrong def)...m/b one of my typical japanese places like tomo or hanami 

biggest douchebag award? 
matt, hands down. 

best decision made this year? 
boston, finally ending things with matt for good, going to grad school f/t this semester. 

what are your plans for next year? 
to get into a serious relationship with someone who can actually handle one, to do awesome in school, to figure out once and for all what the fuck i wanna do with my life, to fix this whole tmj problem. 

most stupid idea post-drinking? 
drunk-texting matt maybe?

tv show of the year? 
sex and the city reruns....nothing is good anymore. 

most loyal friends? 
movie group & jenn. 

new year's resolution? 
to open my mind and hopefully my heart again, to learn from my mistakes and realize you can't change people, only yourself, and to stop getting in co-dependent, addictive relationships with people who can't handle real intimacy.

current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, November 6th, 2007
5:10 pm - yay!
ok, I just want to rejoice w/ everyone in general that I am going to see jimmy eat world friday w/ matt and am really really really happy and excited about it as they are one of my favorite bands ever! yay! I have been listening to jew solely on repeat for weeks now....also, everyone who's never listened to the album clarity must go do it now..truly one of the most beautiful albums I have ever heard, especially the song table for glasses...this has even made me temporarily forget my pain and the tmj....so yay for that!.....ok, just had to spread my glee! the end.

current mood: happy

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Tuesday, October 16th, 2007
12:26 pm - Eastern Medicine vs. Western Medicine
You are all pig headed. All of you who think western medicine is garbage, have any of you ever had a loved one with cancer or AIDS? If so, then you should know western medicine is not crap...western medicine may have very well saved said loved ones life and if it did not, it sure made it a hell of a lot bareable to live through it for as long as they could. The same goes for all of you out there who think eastern medicine is crap. Who the hell are you to say? If it's helped someone, reduced their pain, what's the problem with giving it a try? Why must we all be so fucking judgmental of how others choose to fix their health problems and treat their pain? Shouldn't we be encouraging of anything that is going to help them? Why must we tell others what the right choice for them is? How do we know unless we have walked in their shoes? So stop yourself. Think before you speak. Think before you make snap judgements about others' lives and their health. Live and let live.  

current mood: frustrated

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Thursday, October 11th, 2007
3:31 pm
There's nothing like a good song to help you forget about your problems.

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007
12:40 pm - True Friends vs. "Friends"
There's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, particularly today for some reason. This year I was really lucky. I managed to get back to who I am in some way. I had lost a part of that a few years back when I very stupidly and selfishly let go of the best friends I'll ever have in my life. Instead, I became friends with selfish, catty...dare I say it "Staten Island girls"....and it was such a huge mistake. Yet I find myself missing these friends from time to time. There's no good, logical reason for it....as I fully believe that if someone doesn't want you as a friend, you're too good for them anyway. I realized how shallow those relationships were and I hope never to repeat those mistakes. I doubt I will. I think I've learned my lesson finally. Occasionally, I wonder what my former "best friend" Allison is up to...then I remind myself she was no friend of mine. Words are quite empty, quite meaningless if you don't follow through on anything you say or rather if you show your true self by going in the opposite direction. I pity people who can't see the error in their ways. I've made many many mistakes in my life....but I own every one of them....I live with them every day of my life, whether out in the open or in my mind and heart. The friends I have back are the same way. Not one of them would claim their perfection, that they were never wrong. More than that....they're real women....not little girls. Those others are infants (only not cute and cuddly)....they live the same life every day over and over again and they never learn anything new. They never learn, grow, develop, evolve in any real way. This makes me angry sometimes. They have a cycle...tan, drink, bar/club hop, bed hop....repeat. I hate girls like this. I hate girls with no individuality, no sense of self. They disappear in the crowd, because they exactly like the girl standing next to them. They are sad, pathetic beings. What's more sad in a way is that I feel no guilt in writing of them this way. It's all true. I'm writing this so that when I forget that it's true I can come to my trusty journal, reread it, and remind myself why I want nothing to do with people of this nature. If I forget it. I probably never will. So there you have it, I'm going to try to let these people go, because in the grand scheme of things, they don't matter at all.

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, September 13th, 2007
10:09 pm - liars and cheaters
You know who fucking sucks? Liars and cheaters that's who. This entry is dedicated to all you fucked up assholes out there who have people who love you, people who are committed to you more than to anything else in their lives...and you fuck around on them. You're fucked in the head...all of you. If you can't stay faithful, you have no business being in a monogamous relationship....if you can't be faithful you have no business making an agreement with someone for their not to be anyone else....stay by your fucking self if you can't do it. I hate you...but I hate you because I can't....because I still love you....and I hate myself for that because you are not the person I thought you were. You don't deserve me. In fact, you don't deserve anyone.

current mood: sick

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Monday, September 10th, 2007
12:56 pm - Love and Relationships
Why is everyone in love? Everywhere I look lately, it seems one of my friends or acquaintances is getting married, getting engaged, or falling in love? And they all get happy endings. Everybody is having a good year in the love department. Everybody, but me. In actuality, it's not exactly everybody, just most of the people I know. Somehow, I've managed to have the worst year of my life in all aspects...but mainly in love. I fell in love for the first time and it really sucked. This is mostly because I fell in love with a guy who at first wanted to give me the world and now wants to give me nothing. This is not exactly true either. We are friends.....with occasional benefits. This is fine. This is fine because it has to be. It's the best I'm going to get. I hate settling. I've never been a person who settles, but lately I am. I'm apathetic about life....he's apathetic about life....you'd think we'd be the perfect match. I think the point is though, that we both have to stop being apathetic about life. We have to start giving a shit. We should give a shit. Even if we were together, it would never work. For starters, there's the fact that I, evidently, am not "family oriented" enough for him. What the fuck is family oriented anyway? Am I not family oriented simply because I do not want children until I'm at least 30? Is it wrong that I want to take the time to figure my own fucking life out first instead of bringing a child into this world who is unwanted and who I'm not ready to commit myself to? He once said to me that his ideal girlfriend would be something like his ex's sister. Being a former friend of his ex, I should have known immediately that this desire alone was a problem. You see, his ex's sister made one of the biggest mistakes I think a woman can make. She married straight out of college and had all three of her children before she turned 30. This is my nightmare. This isn't my nightmare because I don't love children or because I don't want to get married someday. This is my nightmare because she no longer exists. All she is is his wife and their mother...and she has nothing for herself. I know a few people like this. All of them are miserable. There are things I desire.....one of my greatest desires is to be a mother.....when I'm ready....also, unlike most people who are hung up on doing certain things at a certain time in a certain way, I am open to many options. I won't marry someone who isn't right for me.....and so if I never meet a person who I feel is, I won't ever get married. If this happens, it does not mean I will or will have to give up on having a child....or a couple of children. If this happens I will adopt or consider other alternate means of becoming a mother. I'm getting off track.....love was supposed to be the topic, but he pissed me off with that "family oriented" comment. Family is important.....but certain family can also drive you fucking crazy and certain family you're better off without.....that's something I've experienced first hand and will never change my mind on. In any case, I don't know why I'm still hung up....I don't know why I still love him....why I still desire him....when I will never have him....and when because he has so arbitrarily decided "you're not the girl for me", he does not deserve me. Somewhere inside me, I know all this to be true. He doesn't deserve me. I'm a catch and he's holding me down, holding me back, but I can't let go. A friend once said to me, "you have more confidence than anyone I know".....this used to be true of me. It was a good thing....I abhorr arrogance and therefore would never dare have it toward anyone, but confidence was always something I was full of, even in the toughest of times. I don't have it anymore.....because I let him break me....break my spirit.....and I can't decide whether it's my own fault or whether it's something that was out of my control. Because I need to overanalyze everything, I'll overanalyze this as well. I'm having a strong moment right now.....but most of my moments are weak ones....where I don't feel like I'll make it to the next minute. I hate that I feel this and he feels nothing. He's hallow now and pretty soon I will be too....if I don't do something to stop it. But what can I do to stop it? Can you force pain to stop? Can you force a broken heart to mend? Can you force yourself to want something else...something healthier...but something meaningless all the same? I'm thinking of the quote, "that which nourishes me is also that which destroys me" (something like that anyway).....I feed off of it like it's something I have to have.....like I'm parched and it's water, food when I'm starving, air when I'm not breathing.....I feel like if I let it go I let go of life....part of my heart dies with this....a piece breaks off....never to be repaired, never to be replaced....but I must let it go, mustn't I?....there's nothing else to be done about it......he's already gone, whether I've let him go or not. Does it destroy me because it nourishes me? Or will it destroy me either way?......

current mood: rejected

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Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
1:46 pm - Life and Death
What is wrong with us? Why do we simply let people get old and gray, lose all their dignity through illness until they wither away and die? Why don't we have mercy? Why are people so determined to push life to it's ultimate limits and see that people (or even animals) live as long a life as possible? Does it matter how long we live if we live every day in suffering and agony? Does it matter that we wither into a shell of our former selves and can't leave our own homes? Why do we make people live through this suffering? Are we so unwilling as a society to accept any form of defeat (because let's be honest that's how we see it) that we have to push and push until there are no more limits left? Scratch the part about animals. They have it different from people. Why do we show are pets mercy and euthanize them when they are living a life of illness and suffering with no hope of recovery and yet we push our very own family members to the limits...is it simply because we are too selfish and pig headed to let them go, even if that is what they wish more than anything? Martyrs are the worst kinds of people. They want their own suffering (even if they suffer very little in comparison) to matter more than their loved ones. They seek attention..they don't care if it takes attention off the person who really needs care. Why do children care so little (or show so little care at least) for the people who raised them..without whom they would not exist? When you have all the money in the world and the ability to help your own parents who are in need of it, why do you deny them that? Although, at least you want to show mercy. The one person in my family who's showing compassion and not being totally fucking selfish. Why are we all so fucking co-dependent anyway? It disgusts me. My best friend lost her father when she was fifteen years old. Her brother was ten. My mother and her siblings have had their father their entire lives and now he wants to stop the treatment that is sucking the fucking life force out of him and they won't let him. He will never recover. They know this. Yet they will never stop pushing, never free their minds of the God damn denial that possesses them. They will never let go. They seem to think (or are trying to trick themselves into thinking) that things will change..that there will be some sort of miraculous recovery. There won't be. It's his kidneys. That's what's going to kill him. Before the dialysis, they were working at 9%..if he stops it, he'll die within days. I know a man who's in his forties, also on dialysis because he has a kidney disease he inherited from his mother. Dialysis sucks balls..it really does..but this man has a chance of getting a new kidney..a chance at new life..and he should...like I said he's young..he has a 14 year old daughter..they need to do everything they can for him. Hell..I'd give him my kidney if I was a match probably. I have a friend who has a 40 year old uncle with five children who's dying of cancer. There's nothing they can do for him. That's a horrible, horrible thing, but my grandfather is 85 years old. He's lived a very full life..married 60 plus years..got to watch his four children grow up and have children of their own. He loved his life and knows he was blessed. He is grateful. He knows it's time for it to end. I don't think he's scared. They do, but I know better. He's a brave man and so he's not scared..if he's scared, it's not for himself, rather for the people he's leaving behind. He knows they are all in denial, he knows they cannot accept death...I used to not be able to either. When my best friend lost her father (my uncle and godfather) I could not accept death..mostly because he was so young and I didn't understand or know how to handle death at the time. I learned how scared I really was of it when my other best friend lost her mother a few years later. It was the first time I was ever truly scared of losing a parent. The next few years went by and I saw someone that sick (my grandfather) firsthand and I realized anything but letting that person go when it's time for them to is a lack of mercy, kindness, and compassion. What kind of person did I want to be? Did I want to be the kind that kept pushing and pushing or did I want to be the person who realizes and accepts that there is really very little we can control in life and that sometimes we have to just let go? I eventually chose the latter. Don't get me wrong..it's not their fault really..they're just not that wise. I'm not saying that I am..it's just that they let their judgment get clouded. They think of what they want, rather than what he needs.

current mood: drained

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Monday, December 9th, 2002
6:26 pm
Kristina insists I write something. I haven't written for a little while so I'll update you guys on my life. I had yet another fun driving experience with Kris on Friday night. It's never good when you say "Uh da" to the gasoline guy. lol. Oh and I said fur instead of for again Kristina. Never forget that James is a gay animal killer. lol...you're so funny. i can't believe you bought me a cell phone...you're crazy...lol...but thanx again. Anyway...I really can't think right now...Never forget that time we drove to you know where (a place which I apparently cannot name right now). Anyway...talk to everyone later. Lots more to right about...but I gotta go 2 work. Bye bye.

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Friday, November 15th, 2002
9:17 pm - OMG the drama I go through when I'm with Kristina lol
Ok so on Tuesday we're driving to the mall so Kristina can harass Adolfo (the Game Stop guy) for a job for like the umpteenth time and wow I swear in some weird way fate was working on my side that day. So we get lost and I swear you would say who the hell gets lost going to the Staten Island Mall, right? lol. So we go all the way to Hugenot, and then have to drive back. We pass Sea and I thought about James and I was like OMG imagine if he saw me today. I looked like such a piece of crap. And so I say that to Kristina and she like laughs histerically. Anyway...for some strange, unknown reason when the Japanese songs on her cds come on we always get into this huge, screaming, hissy fit having fight. So my favorite Japanese song comes on and sure enough I'm like, "GET IN THE TURNING LANE!"
Kristina:"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
Anyway, we finally got to the mall and Kristina had to change out of her uniform for the Game Stop people. So she did that and she was dressed so I turned around and I was looking out the back window and who do I see? JAMES! So I'm like in panic mode and I scream "IT'S JAMES!" and Kristina's like "OMG", so she jumps out the back and screams "JAMES!" and I was like "SHUT UP!" "AHHH!", but nonetheless he came back to the car probably thinking we were psychotics and he had to apply for a job at Applebee's and so Kristina is invites him to eat with us and he does. Anyway...I have more to add to this, but I know Kristina is like dying to read this so I'll continue the rest in another entry. Enjoy!

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Monday, November 11th, 2002
12:36 pm - Kristina's crazy obsession with all things Japanese
Ok so I've listened to enough Japanese music in the last few days to last me a lifetime. lol. That's just because of my friend Kristina's fetish with all things Japanese. But on Thursday and Friday I got an extra earful of the Japanese music she likes to play in her car. We got lost like ten million times. I know what everyone's thinking. How can you possibly get lost so much on this tiny island? But somehow we managed to accomplish it. She was driving me home and we ended up almost drving into Jersey. Thank God for that sign that said "Last exit on S.I.". Anyway...then we ended up going all the way to the Teleport, which is all the way on the other side of the island. All the while, we were listening to maybe three japanese songs over and over again. Sunday I had a college visit, to Pace University, and the whole time I could not get this one song out of my head. I swear I almost stood up and burst into song in Japanese, which would have been bad considering I was in a room with a few hundred other people and some professor was talking about organic chemistry...so that was a portion of how my weekend went. That's all for now. Be back to write a whole lot more later.

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