Kristen (skarky) wrote,
Kristen
skarky

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Love and Relationships

Why is everyone in love? Everywhere I look lately, it seems one of my friends or acquaintances is getting married, getting engaged, or falling in love? And they all get happy endings. Everybody is having a good year in the love department. Everybody, but me. In actuality, it's not exactly everybody, just most of the people I know. Somehow, I've managed to have the worst year of my life in all aspects...but mainly in love. I fell in love for the first time and it really sucked. This is mostly because I fell in love with a guy who at first wanted to give me the world and now wants to give me nothing. This is not exactly true either. We are friends.....with occasional benefits. This is fine. This is fine because it has to be. It's the best I'm going to get. I hate settling. I've never been a person who settles, but lately I am. I'm apathetic about life....he's apathetic about life....you'd think we'd be the perfect match. I think the point is though, that we both have to stop being apathetic about life. We have to start giving a shit. We should give a shit. Even if we were together, it would never work. For starters, there's the fact that I, evidently, am not "family oriented" enough for him. What the fuck is family oriented anyway? Am I not family oriented simply because I do not want children until I'm at least 30? Is it wrong that I want to take the time to figure my own fucking life out first instead of bringing a child into this world who is unwanted and who I'm not ready to commit myself to? He once said to me that his ideal girlfriend would be something like his ex's sister. Being a former friend of his ex, I should have known immediately that this desire alone was a problem. You see, his ex's sister made one of the biggest mistakes I think a woman can make. She married straight out of college and had all three of her children before she turned 30. This is my nightmare. This isn't my nightmare because I don't love children or because I don't want to get married someday. This is my nightmare because she no longer exists. All she is is his wife and their mother...and she has nothing for herself. I know a few people like this. All of them are miserable. There are things I desire.....one of my greatest desires is to be a mother.....when I'm ready....also, unlike most people who are hung up on doing certain things at a certain time in a certain way, I am open to many options. I won't marry someone who isn't right for me.....and so if I never meet a person who I feel is, I won't ever get married. If this happens, it does not mean I will or will have to give up on having a child....or a couple of children. If this happens I will adopt or consider other alternate means of becoming a mother. I'm getting off track.....love was supposed to be the topic, but he pissed me off with that "family oriented" comment. Family is important.....but certain family can also drive you fucking crazy and certain family you're better off without.....that's something I've experienced first hand and will never change my mind on. In any case, I don't know why I'm still hung up....I don't know why I still love him....why I still desire him....when I will never have him....and when because he has so arbitrarily decided "you're not the girl for me", he does not deserve me. Somewhere inside me, I know all this to be true. He doesn't deserve me. I'm a catch and he's holding me down, holding me back, but I can't let go. A friend once said to me, "you have more confidence than anyone I know".....this used to be true of me. It was a good thing....I abhorr arrogance and therefore would never dare have it toward anyone, but confidence was always something I was full of, even in the toughest of times. I don't have it anymore.....because I let him break me....break my spirit.....and I can't decide whether it's my own fault or whether it's something that was out of my control. Because I need to overanalyze everything, I'll overanalyze this as well. I'm having a strong moment right now.....but most of my moments are weak ones....where I don't feel like I'll make it to the next minute. I hate that I feel this and he feels nothing. He's hallow now and pretty soon I will be too....if I don't do something to stop it. But what can I do to stop it? Can you force pain to stop? Can you force a broken heart to mend? Can you force yourself to want something else...something healthier...but something meaningless all the same? I'm thinking of the quote, "that which nourishes me is also that which destroys me" (something like that anyway).....I feed off of it like it's something I have to have.....like I'm parched and it's water, food when I'm starving, air when I'm not breathing.....I feel like if I let it go I let go of life....part of my heart dies with this....a piece breaks off....never to be repaired, never to be replaced....but I must let it go, mustn't I?....there's nothing else to be done about it......he's already gone, whether I've let him go or not. Does it destroy me because it nourishes me? Or will it destroy me either way?......
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